I will now, as a civic duty and because you know I'm such a giver, help two people lost out there in the world. That's right Jen and Ben. As they are now running around here in my neck of the woods, I am sure during a sleepless night filled with doubt and confusion one or both of them will stumble into this diary.
And so without further delay:
AN OPEN LETTER TO BEN AND J-LO.
First Ben, or Ben-Lo or (c'mon, you'll never become co-anchor of entertainment tonight unless you can come up with better catchy names dude!)umm. B-Aff or B-Affle. ok. Why are sweatin' over this man? I mean look at her! If I had just one chance to...sorry, it's not about me...She is hot, is the point. I'm sure she's a pain in the arse in many, many ways and all. But it's a Hollywood marriage! What's the expected lifespan anyway 2 years? According to J-Lo's track record it could be more like six months. So go ahead make her happy and you are out clean as a whistle by next summer! Worst case, it lingers a couple of years, you produce one very messed up child, but you only have to see him or her when it's convenient for publicity shots anyway. No biggie. Of course she could go all Angelina Jolie on ya and pull a kid from a shack in S.E. Asia but eh, nothings perfect. In any event you're merely JLo meeting another leading man or waiter or dancer from a divorce, no sweat!
JLo, my dear. If you are tired of dealing with this drunken moron my number is ....sorry, again it's not about me...ahem. Look sweetie, you're not getting any younger and frankly one day the rest of you is going to catch up with that butt. You tried marrying the waiter, hangin' with a bad boy rapper, married a gay dancer, you are running out of options here. Sure, he's a booze and babe hound but he'll look good at premier's and such for a while. Then as you guide him through rehab once again, you'll appear to be the savior and the "put upon woman" trying to help her man. That can't hurt your image and frankly, your image could use some repair. And again, we're only talking a year or two out of your life so it's a win-win if you ask me.
Alright you two, what more can I do to get you crazy kids to the altar? Go ahead bite the bullet and just do it already. Because I swear that if I have to continue reading or seeing anymore about if you're on again or off again or seen at a McDonalds holding hands, I am driving to Savannah and I will kill both of you.
Sincerely,
The Gutterpoet