For those who will not be able to tune into the Demo candidates' debate tonight from Manchester, I have obtained at great effort some transcripts of the prepared opening statements of each candidate.
Moderater: We will start with each of you making a short statement of your own choosing before we begin the questions.
Wesley Clark: Thank you. I am sick and tired of those who say I have waffled on my position concerning the Iraq War. I have been very clear. I was for the war before the war was a war but since the war is a war against the war but when the war is again not a war was for the war and not against the war and so standly firmly against the war since I was for the war before the war. Please get this right out there.
Howard Dean: AIEIIEEEE!!! I AM NOT A MADMAN, I AM HOWEVER THE WWF'S REIGNING CHAMP!! AIEIEIEIEIE!! AND WILL THE GODDAMNED SENIOR CITIZEN IN THE BACK SIT DOWN!! YES YOU SIR!! I WON'T STOP, YOU CAN'T STOP ME! FROM MICHIGAN TO ARIZONA TO SOUTH CAROLINA, DON'T FORGET THE MOTOR CITY COZ ALL WE NEED IS MUSIC SWEET MUSIC EVERYWHERE!! ALL THE WAY TO DC Y'ALL!! AIIEEEEIIE!
John Kerry: I don't like to talk about this much, but as many have made a big deal of my saving the very life of that man during my illustrious service in Vietnam I must mention that I saved countless others as well, maybe thousands. In fact I still fly down to Vietnam monthly and patrol the waters and save people. And yes all that time in the water has made my face a bit elongated. But it's a small price to pay to help people. And yes I voted for the war but only on paper. But I never voted to allow them to fire their weapons at anyone.
Joe Lieberman: wowsy wowsy woo. thanks for noticin' me. Could somebody please stick my tail back on? wowsy wowsy woo.
Dennis Kucinich: Some have said that I don't have a viable alternative to the current war. That is untrue. I would gather all our enemies for a meeting and we would build a campfire and I would play acoustic guitar and sing some of the great songs of Peter, Paul and Mary. I would pass around the chronic and I promise you we would all leave there as friends. On a personal note, you may have seen the contest on my website looking for a date. Response has not been great but I see some very attractive ladies here so please do send me a line. I mean I really thought this would be a great way to meet chicks. But please someone date me!
Al Sharpton: I'm sick of this! What the hell is going on? I went to Iowa and I had to travel two weeks to find an African American! I found three down south and they were scared and hiding! Here in New Hampshire all the people are whiter than white! There were more people of color in Nazi Germany! How's a Brother supposed to win all up in here in Whiteyland. Pepperidge Farm lookin' mo'fro's...
John Edwards: I think it's obvious that I am the only choice for the nomination. With my boyish looks, formerly attractive wife, adorable kids and southern drawl, only I have the charm and skills to convince the American people that our taking 75% of their paycheck in taxes is a good thing. Shucks, y'all.
So there you have it. Sounds like it's going to be an exciting night.