Soon to be on tour with "Up with People" [ 2004-06-29, 5:48 p.m. ]

Positive energy, this way it floweth.

A gentle reader could certainly trust that in the realm of cynical smart-assedness (yes I'm taking a few liberties with the English language but we're all consenting adults here,non?), I am at the top of the ladder. I mock and mock and then I mock again.

Despite this I am not a dour person. Indeed I am usually Jokey McJokerson. In fact I often figure my last thoughts as I am dying will be "heh, I'm going to take a shit all over myself, hehhehheh". So I balance this acerbicness (likely another liberty, how randy am I?) with an upbeat outlook. If this seems confusing to read imagine having to spend a lot of time around me. Yeah it's likely not a picnic.

In the past few years, I've many times been on the brink of some pretty big and great things that I'll not bore anyone or myself by listing. Suffice it to say, time after time some little hitch in the end leaves me short of whatever it was. Unlucky? A bit. And though for a while I did indeed allow myself to wallow in a bit of my own personal darkside, I generally have picked myself up, knocked off the dust and kept moving.

Hell, I've done more than alright in the long run. I may not have reached any great heights in life I suppose, like I may have once imagined. But more and more I've realized that what I do have is pretty dam good by my own definition and furthermore that my own definition is the only one that matters.

Now that is liberating stuff right there. To see another succeed more than you or have more than you and say "good for them. but I am just fine with what I have no matter how anyone thinks it compares". You don't envy others for what they have. You don't give a rat's ass if Bill Gates has this or does that. Letting go of envy and jealousy and hate of others, man, that is absolute freedom! I have what I need and should something happen tomorrow to any of it, I'll dig in and get what I can back.

This has been a long and hard struggle and will continue to be. Those very human emotions are well engrained in me and the very devil to excise. I've told people around me lately about these things.

"If I have nothing more than I do right now, dammit I'll have had a good life". I may as well tell them I am the Queen of England for the look I get. It seems being happy with what you have is not a popular concept.

Ahhh, this makes me want to reach that point all the more.

Back to my opening line. There is, at this very moment, a flow of positive energy in nearly every facet of my life. I dabble in the philosophies of the East and wonder if this isn't some sort of karmic sign. Could it be that letting go of all that negativity has allowed the positive developements to have room in my life?

I dunno. The whole thought of the concept of "positivity" hits my gag reflex. If I were to attempt to draw a smiley face on something I believe my hand would tremor the pen out of my hands.

Can a sardonic, cynic believe in the theory of positivity?

I guess I'll find out in the next few months.

My gawd what an unwieldy entry. Please forgive my rambling nonsense yet again dear diary.

last - next

4 - 2006-07-04

The bacon rebellion - 2006-06-25

scattergories - 2006-06-19

once more into the breach boys - 2006-06-05

not so famous last words - 2006-01-06

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