Why didn't someone call the fashion police? [ 2004-07-27, 8:29 a.m. ]

Ricky Williams late of the Miami Dolphins American football team. The tale of a man gone ganja. In Hawaii on vacation likely riding a nice weedy wave of pleasure, he calls up and tells his coach to stick that multi-million dollar contract where the ganja don't grow.

As with most stories I could care less really except for how it affects me. And on the surface it doesn't. It doesn't affect my beloved Falcons so good for ganja-man, I say, and his quest for whatever his less than lucid mind has conjured. May this "Don Peyote" as he journies along his hemp highway, find his lance to be steady and deadly when he encounters the windmills.

But this story has a lurid personal underbelly to it. I have something I must confess right here and now. I was abused as a child. I hope the shocking details to follow will not provoke too much horror in the hearts of any gentle readers out there.

Then a strapping lad of about seven, I adopted briefly this same Dolphins football squad as my favorite. They were quite dominant back then, replete in their 70's inspired aqua and orange uniforms. My mother at this point did something that still breeds outrage and anger from me.

She purchased an outfit for me that had a corduroy aqua jacket and matching aqua corduroy pants with orange accents on the sleeves and pockets. Oh, I am sure I thought it was just dandy and all, but I was only seven for chrissakes! I had no idea of the fashion horror that this get-up actually was! I tell this next part with trembling hands and a tear in my eyes.

I WORE THIS IN PUBLIC. EVEN FOR A SCHOOL PICTURE.

Please if you'll excuse me I need a moment to myself...

Thank you, I'm better now.

I have since forgiven my mother. Parents back then just didn't realize the trauma and damage that could result from such fashion terror. Why if I even see flashy aqua clothing worn around me, I almost become physically ill. But a few more years of therapy and I think the healing may be complete.

I have no children myself, but I appeal to all parents out there to think before you dress your kids. Sometimes late at night, I sit bolt upright in bed dripping a cold sweat as I realize that out there somewhere is a picture of me in those aqua corduroy clothes.

And if you see such abuse happening to a child, please don't hesitate to call the fashion police right away.

Thank you for listening to my horrific tale. Just to tell it unburdens me.

You'll also understand that I find pleasure in the fact that Mr. Williams untimely departure leaves this team in disarray. They have it coming to them if you ask me.

last - next

4 - 2006-07-04

The bacon rebellion - 2006-06-25

scattergories - 2006-06-19

once more into the breach boys - 2006-06-05

not so famous last words - 2006-01-06

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