I am here to report in on a major scandal that I believe I am the first to break.
Hurricane-gate.
That's right, hear me out.
Kerry is two points ahead of Bush in polls in Florida. Three hurricanes batter the state in the space of a month. G.W.B visits and throws money at these poor unfortunate people to the tune of several billion dollars. Suddenly, Bush rises and passes Kerry in the polls and now holds a several point lead. Republican strategists notice this trend and greedily eye other hurricanes headed towards Florida. However, Hurricane Jeanne veers away from Florida heading back out into the Atlantic.
A late night meeting is called in the White House. GWB says "boys, I need another hurricane to salt this victory away". Cheney and Rove call NASA and Halliburton and start to work. Using some of Reagan's "star wars" technology they devise a means using smart bombs and cloud seeding as well as a crusty old rainmaker named Norman, just for good measure, to change the course of the Hurricane. They practice on the remnants of Ivan. This storm suddenly splits near New York and veers right back for Florida drenching the state yet again. Encouraged by this incredible success, these evil masterminds focus on Jeanne. The storm does a bizzarre loop-de-loop and aims straight for Florida and will strike there this very weekend.
In all my years as a crack smoking, errr, I mean crack meteorologist, I have never seen storms acts so strangely.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, call me Dan Rather, or dress me up in a skirt and call me Agnes, I KNOW I am on to something here.
Just remember when Michael Moore jumps on this and makes an award winning film that you heard it here first and tell that fat bastard he owes me money for stealing my idea.
And now having served my country in a noble and courageous way, I will go finish off another bottle of wine and fax this to CBS News.
We must all spread the word and stop these evil doers in their tracks!!
And if I suddenly dissapear one night, after the appearance of a mysterious black helicopter please tell Drew Barrymore that I will always love her.
God speed to you all.

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