In five seconds this message will self-destruct [ 2004-07-09, 9:12 a.m. ]

Ahh, the five second rule.

No, not the one for food that hits the floor, that's the three second rule (the speed of bacteria having been carefully calculated by the "boys in the lab" i.e ME).

The five second rule is for voice mail. I get tons of calls from annoying sales types insisting that I need to, no make that MUST, bring in their product to my surgery center as doctor so and so simply demands I have it. A conversation with doctor so and so usually reveals that they usually have no memory of annoying sales person or their must have product. Although likely the doctor once spent a minute or two once just saying "yeah whatever" to get rid of them. This leaves me as the dog at the gate protecting the yard, as it were.

The boys in the lab (yeah that's me again) have determined that in five seconds you should have been able to convey all or most of your message.

"Hi, this is Joe Blow, Dr. Pain has a case on the 20th, call me at blah blah"

There you have it.

Now everytime a new eager-beaver sales reptile emerges from the play-doh fun factory, cookie cutter mold they seem to be formed in, fresh from a handshake with the doctor and ready to earn untold riches at my expense, I have to break out the old bull-whip and waylay them into shape.

The first phone call will be a cocky one full of bombastic demands about how I will be handling this for "them" and likely to last three or four minutes. I received such a message this morning. I set the stop-watch feature on my handy-dandy secret agent-like watch and after the time limit, hit delete with much pleasure. After two hours went by Annoying Sales Reptile (known henceforth as ASR) calls back and is obviously shocked at my lack of response.

ASR: Did you get my message?

GP: Some of it.

ASR: Some of it (snotty attitude is displayed)

GP: It was too long I deleted it.

ASR: Yeah, right! (uncomfortable laughter follows)

GP: Be that as it may.

ASR: You really didn't listen?

GP: No. As I said it was too long.

At this point ASR could have switched gears and got to the point. Instead he seemed dumbfounded by my audacity.

ASR: Why would you do that?

GP: I get tons of calls a day and am quite busy. Most are from people trying to sell me things I don't need. It gets old.

ASR: What gives you the right...

GP: (I cut him off) While a chat about what rights I do and don't have sounds great, I really don't have the time right now so...

ASR: Are you kidding me man!?!

GP: Yes, absolutely. Have a great day.

click.

Hey, I gave him a chance! A rule is a rule and what would happen without rules?

Anarchy!

Besides it's just fun.

Anyway, one might wonder if there are exceptions to this rule. Like if a really hot sales chick calls for instance. Here I show just how much character I have. No. Does not matter. Well..

If her call starts out with "I am naked and writhing about on my bed and thought I'd call you..." Then, my friends, she has all the time in the world.

I wonder what a "naked, writhing about" woman sounds like on the phone...hmmm probably kinda breathy.

last - next

4 - 2006-07-04

The bacon rebellion - 2006-06-25

scattergories - 2006-06-19

once more into the breach boys - 2006-06-05

not so famous last words - 2006-01-06

navigate
current
archives
profile
website
Dec 18th pics
email
guestbook
notes
host
design
CURRENT TERROR ALERT:Terror Alert Level