I have reached one unescapeable conclusion recently. These days to be considered urbane, fun, talented, witty, and a desireable invitee to the hippest parties....you have to be gay. Gay is hip, gay is happening. Look at the Queer Eye guys! Clay Aiken! Most of the biggest musical and movie stars are. I'm not here to bemoan this fact in any way. I'm just looking to get a special exemption into the club!
I can actually put together a reasonable resume really. I love to cook, work in the garden, I like to decorate, my closest friends are always female, I like to gossip, know a bit about fashion, smell good, stay in decent shape, and I am artistically inclined. And I find the average male to be incredibly boorish and dull.
However, there may be a problem with my application to hipness. I don't think I can bring myself to "handle" the proper equipment, if you catch my drift. It's the wrong plumbing I guess. I am quite enamored of the female plumbing. My god the female plumbing, I am obsessed with it I am afraid. A recent non-partisan commission (as if such a thing exists..ahem) studied my last 12 years and it appears over 50% of my income, time and resources has gone towards the pursuit of fine female plumbing. And this is a trend unlikely to change. I hope this doesn't preclude at least an honorary postion. Like those doctorate degrees handed out to hollywood stars who never attended college and have a imbecillic IQ. Dag, if not for this ruinous obsession with female equipment I think I might be in.
Dancing skills? Hmmm. I'm not your average horrible white boy dancer with the head bobbing thing. But I'm not exactly mainstream good either. As it's been put before to me "you have lots of rythym really, it's just directed in lots of odd ways". I took that as a compliment. In the right club I am golden. You know a post-modern, industrial, thrash, mike myers on Sprockets sort of thing. But it's not always pretty if I'm dancing to "You dropped a bomb on me".
I'm not sure if this info has done me more harm than good but I certainly don't seem to fit in with your average frat-boy/NASCAR/burpinfartindroolin crowd either. I just want to belong somewhere! Why can't I just be nornal!!??
See, see how sensitive I am. oh who am I kidding. I hate Judy Garland and show tunes, that'll never fly either.
So really, just because of a plumbing issue, I am destined to forever to be lumped in with the mouth-breathing cretinous hetero masses and not the witty, charming crowd. Oh well.
wow all this talk about plumbing...
this mornings anti-FCC CD spin was:
Material Issue "International Pop Overthrow"