I am here to drive a nail in the coffin.
No, not my own, even if such a thing were possible.
But for "reality" television. It's three seconds from assuming room temperature and I wish to put a pillow over it's mouth.
Like everyone else I've tuned into the various shows of real, everyday people reacting without scripts to whatever the producers throw their way.
The problem is these "real people" are not real people. Not really. (stop it, stop it! your attempt at wordplay must stop now before you embarrass yourself further!)
They are people who respond to an ad and show up to participate in a weird and only vaguely defined activity, oh and sign this in case the camera catches you humiliating yourself, so you can't sue us. Exactly, everyday people.
When you sign up to go on MTV's the Real World these days, you probably already have an agent, a stylist and a book deal in the works. Every move is designed to make you a break out star. And so everyone in the cast now goes out of the way to be seen and heard and appear dramatic or interesting.
I watched the Real World back in the day when it first appeared. I tried to watch it not too long ago. That is "tried". These people came off as incredibly unlikeable. Everyone had a problem with everything.
"Excuse me (head starts shaking to an fro) but I believe that was my croissant! You need to respect my boundaries! I am an tri-sexual, an Irish-Czech-African-Asian-Eskimo Amercian and I am pigeon toed and have an over bite and I am tired of being held down by you!"
Then of course there are the marry a millionaire, or marry my dad or knock up my mom or whatever shows. Could anyone really be that desperate to do this? It's gotta be for publicity, right? Women don't have to do this. I've said it before and I'll say it again. For about 80% of all women out there all you have to do is look as good as you can and go places. Anywhere. The grocery store, the library, an illegal cock fight, anywhere. Men will hit on you. The other 20%? Go to a bar or pub where men drink. I'm not saying you'll meet your soul mate but you'll do better than on a glorified game show.
It's no so easy for men. Actually it is easy for men, but men are idiotic and brainless when it comes to women (okay in general as well) and you can't tell them a dam thing. So I won't. Okay I'm a liar, sure I will.
I have a good friend who is not exactly easy on the eyes. But a very nice guy. Back a bit, when I was still in my dating around mode (slight sigh but I'm happy now, very very happy but you know) we'd go have a few drinks and he would start talking about how he "couldn't believe SHE would go out" with me or how I could date three attractive women at one time. I would tell him that he could have a woman anytime he wanted to. He'd say "sure if I looked like you it's easy" and I'd tell him that was nonsense. Women are of course attracted to looks but it wears off quickly with them. If you get in there and be a friend and communicate with them on a deep level, that will trump looks most times. He would shake his head and say I was crazy. Then his idea was that I would put on a "fat suit" like actors do and thick glasses and go to a club and try to pick up women. I assured him I could. I might not walk out with a model but I would have somebody interested.
Then I would get tired of his whining and not listening to me and I would say "well, it could also be that barnyard aroma you have going on".
But he, you see, would actually be a good candidate for fix me up with someone reality show.
In conclusion, there have been so many reality shows now that there can no longer be reality shows. You can't catch people being themselves and not auditioning. It's over.
In further conclusion, back in my band days we had a alter-ego band who actually performed in public. We tried to write the most obscene songs ever performed live in Roanoke, Va (known for it's racey live performances, ahem)
Anyway, the lyrics I wrote to one is now running through my brain and I cannot lose it. The tune is to Surfin' USA by the Beach Boys which we changed to Dildo USA, catchy huh? So now imagine these words to the chorus running through your head,
"round and round in and out,
they'll be buzzin' away,
if everybody had a dildo,
they'd throw dicks away."
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, why are they taking my shoelaces away?

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